Oh Yes I'm a Great Pretender
(Just laughing and gay like a clown…)
To all those who are enjoying the company of their families. To all those who are enjoying the comfort of their homes. To all those who are able to enjoy fun and games with their friends and relatives. To all those who can celebrate important occasions like Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. together with all those previously mentioned, I would like to say you are very lucky or at least luckier than somebody like me.
I believe you know what “homesickness” means but I bet most of you doesn’t know what is it really like to feel homesick. Maybe some of you have gone to experience this, but I would say that’s maybe for a short time and not having to experience it year after year. There are times the attack is so strong that you just feel like going crazy. I have to admit there are times also that I feel like crying, maybe I did cry or haven’t notice there are tears in my eyes for being helpless and cannot bear the pain of longing to be with your love ones. These are mostly in times of solitude and having a feeling of self pity. Ever imagine being very ill and feeling very weak, you just wished that someone would be there to care for you. But no you are all alone to take care of yourself. You have to stand up and cook for your food otherwise you find yourself weaker and prolong the agony. That’s why if it can be avoided, it surely is very hard to get sick.
In all of my stay here I never told my family that I have been sick or have been homesick. I always tell them that I’m OK and there is nothing to worry about. I do not really want them to worry about me. I would just have to endure all the longings and loneliness the best way I can on a day to day basis. And with all of those years that have passed, it is either that I just get tougher or realize that I just have to accept this situation in exchange for the chance to give better future for my family.
Same is true with the way I deal with my friends here. I am just not sure if they are also acting the same way like me. But when we get together, jokes are all around.
Maybe all of these situations are already known, the difference is that the others have already shown and told their experiences. This is the first time I told mine while I just continue on pretending.
posted by santi at
6:15 AM
4 Comments:
I definitely feel your pain Santi. Aren't you glad we are here to give you company? Your post is heart-breaking. I have a former high school classmate who is in the USAF. He sometimes gets assigned in different places, his latest was of course in the Middle East. I get occasional letters from him, and most often than not he writes me when he is away. Somehow, I feel that sometimes his fears are something he cannot express to his wife and children and he counts on us(a few other classmates)to cheer him up.
Last time, his wife got an emergency surgery while he was away from home for 6 months. Worse was it was at the height of the war in Iraq. We do not know where he was stationed because he was forbidden to let us know. Of course he said his wife doesn't know but I have a feeling the two must have agreed on some codes somehow to let her know where he is. I felt so bad. He told me that it was a few friends from his state who helped his wife.
A cousin of mine spent his fruitful years at sea. He finally decided to put up a business in the Philippines. Naawa rin siguro ang Diyos sa kanya because his business prospered.
Hopefully, you will also be with your family again. Here's wishing you that someone is guiding you and will lead you to the path you deserve. Relax ka lang diyan. We'll keep you company for as long as we can.
i understand where you're coming from, the least you can do is really enjoy whatever you have there--friends and acquaintances. It is sometimes better to tell how you really feel to the person(s) around you so that they could better understand you and you'll feel uplifted. I have also a cyber friend based in Saudi who has the same predicament as your's and we keep in touch thru email. It seems it helps him loosen up especially when we would exchange stories about our environs. Cheer up and look forward to the day when u'll be coming home.
Ting Aling,
I've been glad since I've known all of you. Trying not to sound like being defensive, those that I've mentioned are the worst times, not necessarily my routine here. It is just that the attack of depression is unpredictable. I thought I have grown to get used to it, but sadly it is still there.
BongK,
Talagang ganon na nga lang, enjoy whatever we have. Everybody here really always look forward for that day (going home). Kaso dumarating pa rin yung time na we also have to go back. The more you enjoy your vacation, the more it is hard to adjust when you're back.
Matapoor,
You're right "Blogging" really helps, but I should say it is people like you guys make it really more wonderful. And maybe this is a good start for me by opening it up here.
Bayi,
That's all well said, I will hold on to that.
I am really very thankful to all of you.
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